Onion Bagel Archives – The Statesman

The Onion Bagel: We need a giant space laser to shoot rich people who try to leave Earth

Michael ClearyOnion Bagel OpinionsMarch 3, 2022

#OnionBagel #OPINION: In order to keep the fear of God in our world leaders, I propose we build a giant space laser to shoot them down if they try to escape Earth without the masses.

The Onion Bagel: Banning abortions isn’t enough, we must also restrict male masturbation

Michael ClearyOnion Bagel OpinionsSeptember 19, 2021September 19, 2021

#opinion: Whenever a male ejaculates, they can release between 40 million to 1.2 billion sperm. That is 40 million to 1.2 billion potential lives that have been completely snuffed out before they have ever been given a chance at life.

The Onion Bagel: Ron DeSantis encourages passersby to spit in his mouth to prove COVID-19 isn’t scary

Michael ClearyOnion Bagel OpinionsSeptember 5, 2021

#OnionBagel #OPINION: Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida announced a new public health strategy to combat COVID-19 concerns last Friday. “I will sit on my knees out on street corners for a few hours a day and beg residents to spit into my mouth,” he said.

The Onion Bagel: COVID fraternities want to recruit you

Sam LauriaOnion Bagel OpinionsAugust 22, 2021

#OnionBagel #OPINION: It’s that time of year once again: recruitment week. All the fraternities at USA University are looking for students to rush and become members of some of the most prestigious organizations on campus.

The Onion Bagel: Death expecting ‘record numbers’ this Halloween

Steven KeehnerOnion Bagel Op-eds OpinionsOctober 31, 2020

#OnionBagel #OPINION The COVID-19 outbreak has killed over 200,000 Americans. But as many plan their Halloween parties, one Florida man expects those numbers to go up. Also, the Grim Reaper sits down with The Statesman to talk about his Halloween plans.

The Onion Bagel: Senate decides to take a three week recess as asteroid approaches Earth

Matt VeneziaOnion Bagel OpinionsOctober 29, 2020

#OnionBagel This week, NASA announced that an asteroid was heading towards Earth. NASA scientists predict a direct impact, but it won’t be large enough to cause significant damage.

Onion Bagel: The Window Art of Stony Brook

Sam LauriaOnion Bagel OpinionsFebruary 16, 2020February 17, 2020

Yes, students decorate their dorm room windows using post-it notes and cardboard cutouts. These colorful creations allow students to express their innermost thoughts and desires. These god-forsaken art embodies the ultimate trait of college kids: relentless nihilism.

The Onion Bagel: Congratulations graduates, get ready for the real world

Aaron San JoseOpinionsMay 5, 2019May 5, 2019

Congrats Class of 2019, you’re done. The nightmares have stopped, you can sleep again.