Sam Lauria is the assistant opinions editor of The Statesman. She is also a journalism and political science major with a minor in philosophy.
The Onion Bagel is a satirical column for The Statesman.
It’s that time of year once again: recruitment week. All the fraternities at USA University are looking for students to rush and become members of some of the most prestigious organizations on campus. These frats include: Alpha Variant (Α), Beta Variant (Β), Gamma Variant (Γ), Delta Variant (Δ), and Lambda Variant (Λ).
Booths are dotted about the common arena of USAU. Herds of excited college students visit each booth looking to become a member of the exclusive communities on campus. Let’s see what’s happening:
“Attention everyone! When you decide to rush, make sure you consider Delta V!” Florida, the president of the frat, screams. “If you have questions, come and let me know. I’d be happy to answer.”
A nervous-looking student approaches the Delta V booth. Anxiously, he introduces himself: “Hi, my name is Mississippi. I was wondering what the requirements are to become a member of Delta V?”
“Well Mississippi, Delta V is currently the biggest frat on campus, making up about 83% of students who decide to join frats, and we are pretty open about recruiting as many people as possible,” the Delta V booth said. “We just surpassed the recruitment rates of Alpha V! In fact, our recruitment rate is twice as large as theirs. And as for requirements, we don’t have that many. Our two big ones are: having a low vaccination rate and making sure your state senators are ill-informed about us.”
“That sounds great!” Mississippi exclaimed. “I’ve always loved big communities. They’re always so welcoming.”
“Exactly! You get it,” Florida said. “Now I have a question for you, Mississippi. Where are you from?”
“Grew up in the southeast,” Mississippi answered.
“Just wanted to get to know you a bit more,” he responded. “That’s really cool though. About 79% of our members are from the southeast. The vice president and I are both from the southeast too.” Florida looked behind them and paused. They turned back around and said, “The vice president is actually here right now. I’ll call him over.” Florida turned back around and screamed, “Hey Louisiana! Come here for a second.”
Louisiana joined the pair and introduced himself. “Hey! I’m Louisiana, the vice president of Delta V.”
“Mississippi. Nice to meet you.”
“Mississippi, I’m curious, what’s your vaccination rate?” Louisiana asked.
“It’s only about 39%,” Mississippi said.
“That’s really good!” Louisiana said.
“Yeah, totally!” Florida said, adding on to the conversation. “One of our biggest requirements is having a low vaccination rate.”
“Honestly, we don’t really need to worry about vaccines, since Delta V is already pretty protected from them,” Florida responded. “But it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.”
As the students conversed, a member of Lambda V joined their conversation. “Couldn’t help overhearing, but I wanted to say that Lambda V also has a low vaccination requirement. We’re always looking for new members.”
“Don’t listen to him,” Florida said.
The Lambda V member retorted, “Don’t you wait. Lambda V has been growing pretty quickly as of late. We might even surpass your rate of recruitment,” before walking away.
Louisiana let out a chuckle. “You probably don’t have to worry about Lambda V. They’re a tiny fraternity. They won’t even get that many new members. At least I don’t think so.”
“So what do you say, Mississippi? Are you ready to become a Delta V brother? You fit our demographic perfectly.”
“Of course!” Mississippi exclaimed. “I can’t wait! This is going to be devastatingly awesome.”
And as rush week concluded, the frats recruited every student at USAU. At first, some states were wary of the low vaccination requirement but eventually found that the need for vaccinations was pretty useless and restricted their freedom. Plus, being in a frat meant that you were automatically cool! How could anyone resist?