The 2017 logo of The Onion Bagel column. STATESMAN FILE

Matt Venezia is a sophomore biology major with a minor in writing. 

The Onion Bagel is a satirical column for The Statesman.

This week, the National Aeronautic and Space Administration (NASA) announced that an asteroid was heading towards Earth. NASA scientists predict a direct impact, but it won’t be large enough to cause significant damage.

The asteroid will likely crash into the Pacific Ocean, potentially causing tsunamis and an unprecedented amount of seismic activity around the globe.

The United States Senate recently announced a three week recess in response to this impending catastrophe. At a press briefing, many members of the senate were directly asked about this highly controversial, but expected decision.

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“We are doing exactly what I think the American people would want us to do: We’re taking a break,” said  Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R – KY). “It is projected to make impact in two weeks, so we’ll be back just in time to deal with the aftermath.”

When pressed about his comments not aligning with NASA’s timeline, McConnell simply said, “This is what the American people voted for,” and laughed awkwardly for nearly a minute to avoid more questioning.

Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer (D – NY) was also asked about the recess and asteroid, but declined to speak on the matter until Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, allowed him to. 

Senator Bernie Sanders (I – VT) is reportedly the only member of the senate who is attempting to combat the issue, but as he has yet to garner sufficient support for Medicare for All, it seems unlikely anyone will return to help him.

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Following the decision to take a three week recess, the senate’s approval rating dropped significantly, hitting a low of 4%. The last time the senate’s approval rating was this low was about a month ago.

The Federal Government’s response has been scattered. Most of the disaster relief funds remain unused as the asteroid-induced panic has set in among the American people. It is unclear what will be done to aid those who may be impacted by the potential crisis to come.

The President also weighed in on the situation. Trump was quoted on Twitter saying, “This asteroid is a HOAX! It was manufactured by the very corrupt NASA which really went downhill after Obama. MY SPACE FORCE WOULD EASILY HANDLE THIS IF IT WERE REAL!” 

He also tweeted, “I Trust Mitch McConnell!” in response to the recess, which seems to be the first known instance of these words being written.

Clearly, the situation has devolved into what nearly every rational American expected after the United States’ response to COVID: a complete dumpster fire. 

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It remains to be seen how the rest of the federal government will handle the impending crisis, but with many in government ignoring the pleas of scientists as if this were a bad sci-fi film from the 1980s, it doesn’t look too good. 

Fortunately for concerned citizens, an upcoming election means that many of those currently ignoring the crisis can be voted out. Find out how to vote before November 3 here.

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