It is a felony to distribute Adderall without the appropriate licenses as described by the Controlled Substances Act. IMAGES MONEY/FLICKR VIA CC BY 2.0

The Onion Bagel is a satirical column for The Statesman.

Stony Brook University’s most prolific Adderall dealer hasn’t been able to sleep for days ever since his clients started pestering him for pills to tackle their midterm course loads.

Francis Humberdink, a super senior political science major who started selling Adderall when he was just three years old, said midterm week has stressed him out so much he’s resorting to huffing glue to calm himself down.

“I’ve never been half this busy my entire life,” Humberdink said. “These kids just keep coming and coming and coming. Sometimes it feels like the glue is the only answer, bro.”

Humberdink paused his exclusive interview with The Onion Bagel to reach into a tattered paper bag at his feet and pull out a near-depleted four-ounce bottle of Elmer’s. He held the bottle in his trembling hands and brought it to his nostrils like a starving man might hold soup and sucked the air around it into his nose with rapacious ferocity.

“Wow, I needed that,” Humberdink said. “What were we talking about again?”

Humberdink estimated that in a typical week, he sells Adderall to anywhere from five to 15 students. Since midterm exams began, however, that number has skyrocketed to approximately 5,000 students per day. The Onion Bagel was unable to verify his claims prior to publication.

He complained that Stony Brook students no longer know how to “come correct,” which has left him feeling continually pestered at inopportune times.

“It’s like these kids these days don’t have any respect for their Adderall dealer,” he said. “Like, I’ll be in Harriman Hall, huffing glue, minding my own business, and suddenly some friggin’ guy is like ‘WHOAAAA HEY MAN, THANKS FOR THAT ADDY BRUHHH!’ I’m just like dude, can’t you see I’m busy?”

Humberdink’s mother, Wilma Humberdink, said she just hopes her son makes it through this trying time.

“We’ve always been so proud of little Franky,” she said. “He’s always been so industrious and has such an entrepreneurial spirit. I cried the first time I caught him in his room cackling over a gallon of industrial adhesive. Only Jesus can save him now.”

Humberdink himself disagreed with his mother’s sentiment.

“Man, I need Jesus like I need less glue,” Humberdink said. “So like basically not at all.”

Any Stony Brook students who wish to reach out to Humberdink for Adderall can find him passed out in that weird circular sculpture thing in front of the Physics Building on Tuesdays from 3 to 11:22 p.m.
The Onion Bagel does not condone substance abuse.

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