I hate Thanksgiving food.
Before you attack me, hear me out. As much as I love spending time with family, Thanksgiving is still the dullest holiday of the year.
Hours upon hours are spent slaving over food that in the end is unappetizing, fattening and set to be devoured in a few minutes. Your stomach will triple in size and your guests will leave a mess that will take days to clean up.
But if you’re one of those people that likes combining the most unappetizing foods into one day, then Thanksgiving is the holiday for you.
Starting off with the main star of the evening: turkey. If turkey was good, we’d be eating it year round. It doesn’t matter how much you season it or how much gravy you put on top of it, turkey is not good. Give me chicken wings instead.
Turkey is often dry, so to make matters worse people stuff it with soggy bread, or what they like to call “stuffing.” Whether you shove it in the turkey’s anus or not, soggy bread should not be a dish on anyone’s plate or cooked inside an animal and then eaten. If this isn’t the epitome of Americans taking analingus to a whole new level then I don’t know what is.
Speaking of soggy stuff, we now make our way to the most disgusting sauce to exist: gravy. Just the thought of it disgusts me. Made from the finest animal juices and mixed with water and cornstarch, this special sauce ends up resembling the mucus that drips from your nose when you’re sick. Appetizing, right?
Now we make a turn to mashed potatoes. I don’t hate the dish but I also don’t like it. It’s kind of there to take up space on your plate and be drowned in gravy to fill the empty void in your stomach that could’ve been filled with something actually good.
What else could you drown and murder in gravy? Cornbread. I actually don’t mind the taste of cornbread, it isn’t that bad, but the texture ruins it for me. It’s thick and mushy, often slightly dry and the kernels add a plasticky texture that should not exist in food.
I don’t think I need to transition to sweet potatoes. They’re only good when turned into fries, case closed.
If you’re missing campus a little bit over Thanksgiving break, you can always have a little bit of campus on your dinner table. If you participate in the boat race during Roth Regatta then you’re probably familiar with the next dish. Coming from the bottom of Roth Pond all the way to your home, please welcome green bean casserole. If the ducks and turtles at the pond eat it, it can’t be that bad, right? Also, who actually likes green beans?
Speaking of greens, mixed vegetables or as I like to call them, a kid’s worst nightmare, add absolutely nothing to your palette. You might grab a spoonful to try to make up for all the disgusting stuff that you’re already putting in your body but are they actually any better? Vegetables aren’t that bad but whoever thought that combining the most disgusting greens into one dish was probably not as smart as they thought they were.
I was going to include the next food item above but apparently squash is a fruit, according to the world’s most reliable source, Wikipedia. Do I even need to say anything more about squash? Does anyone actually eat it at Thanksgiving or does everyone ignore it like how I choose to ignore every dish that I’ve mentioned?
And now we get to the odd one on the table. Whether it’s home made or still in the shape of the can it came in, cranberry sauce serves absolutely no purpose on the dinner table or in general. It’s bitter despite having ridiculous amounts of sugar and is not quite a main dish but also not a dessert, where it really belongs is in the garbage.
I believe we can all agree on one thing. The mixed drinks and wine are the only things that make Thanksgiving actually bearable and slightly enjoyable. Also pumpkin pie, you can never go wrong with pumpkin pie.