Sodexo's corporate headquarters in Gaithersburg, Maryland. The new food vendor has been the subject of much student criticism. MANJU SHIVACHARAN/STATESMAN FILE
Sodexo’s corporate headquarters in Gaithersburg, Maryland. The new food vendor has been the subject of much student criticism. MANJU SHIVACHARAN/STATESMAN FILE

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. Michael Kohut and Emily Benson are not affiliated with Sodexo in any way.

Earlier this month, the Faculty Student Association announced it would be seeking proposals for a new food service provider in light of apparent student dissatisfaction at how the company has handled campus dining over the past 18 months.

Well, that’s what I just can’t wrap my head around. What problems could people possibly have with Sodexo, now? As a Sodexo representative, I wrote a letter about a year ago when our company was still new here. It was to the students of Stony Brook, asking you to curb your demands regarding fair treatment for our employees and greater variety at dining halls. Since students continued to demand these sort of things, the higher ups here decided to implement the new swipe system, in an effort to cut costs and increase revenue, that is to say, to cut costs for you students.

Nevertheless, it was supposedly not well received. See, you students get your information from “fake news” outlets. While The Statesman may be an award-winning college newspaper, it’s really just a bunch of liberal garbage. The truth is Sodexo is the best dining service around, and I have the alternative facts to prove it.

A large portion of the student body opted to change back to the more traditional “dining dollars” and complaints about lack of quality food available campus-wide persist. Or at least that’s what you probably think if you believe the “facts” presented to you by the media. Sodexo has actually found the opposite to be true.

Our sources find that students agree – the quality of the food is equally high everywhere on campus. There’s certainly no massive gap in quality between East Side and other dining halls. We’ve also found that the number of students who are happy and satisfied with the swipe system is increasing at a steady pace.

There has also been massive voter fraud conducted in a majority of student polls regarding Sodexo. While polls have consistently shown that Sodexo is extremely low in popularity, but this is actually incorrect. A number of students who vote in these polls are illegal residents of campus (or “commuters”) and don’t have an actual meal plan. We are currently conducting an investigation into this matter, and while no evidence of voter fraud has come up, we are determined to use as much of your tuition money as possible until we find what we want to hear.

More importantly, we want to reassure the student body that Sodexo is here to stay. Even though FSA is accepting proposals for a new provider, we’re confident that there’s little chance that one will be chosen, given that we can simply hold onto the contract if nobody outbids us.

Sodexo has the best intentions at heart for the students of Stony Brook. We know that Facebook groups, Twitter feeds and planned student protests against Sodexo allude to disappointment and poor quality service, but these are just lies being spread by the fake media. It is a crucial time in our society to have the ability to recognize the difference between a lie and a fact. We do, which is why we advise that you follow our Twitter, @sodexofacts, to get the real, unbiased truth.

Don’t worry, Stony Brook, we’re not going anywhere, and we’re going to make Campus Dining great again.

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