Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer; the alcohol and drugs of outrageous college parties, or to take arms against a sea of drunk students, and by opposing them? To die; to sleep.

Shakespeare really had me in mind when he wrote “Hamlet,” I guess.

The percentage of students who drink on college campuses is about 40 percent higher than the percent of students who vote in the national election, according to information from both US News and The Washington Post.

To be fair, more people drink than vote in the national election, regardless of age group. But it still makes a point.

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But what happens if you don’t drink in college? Well, Jager “Sober As A Toddler” Robinson is here to give you a three-part lesson.

Before I start, I think it would be fair to point something out. I have tried alcohol in my life, but I have yet to drink an ounce since getting to this barren wasteland we call Stony Brook.

There Is Certainly An Effort To Get You To Try It

I cannot explain to you how many times this has happened.

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Last week, for example, my suitemate and a love interest both tried to get me to either drink or smoke. While I respect the argument “You have to try at some point,” I disrespect the argument that I am somehow less happy without the substances.

I am not upset with anybody for asking me to drink. But let’s be real, I’d rather wake up refreshed after a night of sleeping than feel like a jackhammer is targeting my brain in the morning.

For those of you who don’t drink, just stand your ground. People are generally reasonable people. If you tell them no, and they are at least a little mentally stable, they’ll understand that you are sticking to principles.

Stony Brook Isn’t Dry

Barren wasteland or not, Stony Brook certainly has a steady flow of alcohol running through its veins.

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While the administration tries to make us a “tobacco-free campus,” our students find a steady stream of inebriation from their favorite studying tool.

This fact only really matters to freshmen. Many freshmen might enter college thinking that Stony Brook isn’t a party school, which it’s not. But don’t be fooled. There are still plenty of expectations for you to “fit in.”

Stay True Young Grasshopper, For Being Sober Is The Most Interesting Path

I can’t lie about this next fact: not drinking at Stony Brook isn’t actually that hard. Even at parties, the most I’ve gotten is the classic “Bro, you gotta try this.” The real challenge of not drinking is during finals week, when all you want to do is say “screw it.”

Stress, friends and a complete lack of care is the best cocktail mix of all time, and if we are all being honest here, drinking your sorrows away often feels like the number one reason for drinking in the first place.

But you can stay sober and deal with stress. It actually isn’t hard. Just go to a party, sit down and watch. Stress is a mental block and I promise you, watching drunk people is 100 percent more entertaining than being that drunk person.

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So, there you have it. My lesson for you. Sure, it wasn’t as put together as sonnets from Shakespeare, but I hope it gets you through the years.

There will always be people trying to get you to drink and Stony Brook will always have a special place for alcohol on its shelves, but if you just remember that people aren’t so bad sober and that stress is curable through laughter, you might just come out clean. On your drug tests, of course.

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