This past Saturday, a fire broke out in a dorm room of the E Wing of O’Neill College. The cause of the fire is still unknown and there were no reported injuries, but photos show a destroyed second-floor window with room contents thrown down onto the lawn.
Over 100 students must now be relocated to temporary housing for an indefinite amount of time while the fire is being investigated.
This was a tragic and unfortunate event, and our thoughts are with the residents, but Stony Brook must be very careful with what happens next. What will happen with these displaced students? Where will they live?
Not with us.
As lawful residents of Stony Brook’s campus housing, we are refusing to accept any displaced students in our rooms (for sake of explanation, we’ll call them “student-refugees”). After all, if someone gave you a bowl of 100 M&M’s and 10 of them are arsonist pyromaniacs, would you grab a handful? Exactly. Logic.
We also call upon President Samuel L. Stanley Jr. to personally screen each student-refugee before placing him/her in a room with other students. Here are a few of our demands to make the process safer for all Seawolves:
First, require every student-refugee to provide an official transcript that he/she is in fact a student of Stony Brook. This takes about a week to prepare and must be mailed to the student who will then bring it to President Stanley’s office. Until then, sorry. We can’t have University of Albany escapees fleeing to SBU housing.
Give preference to those with a 4.0 GPA or 0 meal points. You either need a place to study, or you need a place to eat.
Student-refugees must prove they are not arsonists or pyromaniacs. This will be determined at the discretion of President Stanley.
A $100 charge will be taken from the student’s Wolfie Wallet. Housing is not a right, even if you already paid for it.
24-hour surveillance of O’Neill College for the remainder of the school year. Did you not hear what happened? There was a fire! Therefore, there must be other pyromaniacs taking refuge in that building that we have to keep an eye on.
Students who have ever been to a frat party are immediately put at the back of the line. They are only party-loving alcoholics because they have not been exposed to true Stony Brook culture. We’re future med school students here—not some top-ranked party school. Priority to those who will study and keep up our reputation.
UPD must conduct a judicial search into every student-refugee’s background. This includes looking at the SAC’s surveillance footage for food robbers.
While these guidelines may seem strict, they are in the best interest of the university. I’m sure there are a lot of good, law-abiding O’Neill students, but we must look out for the rest of the Seawolves. If the United States is this hesitant and cautious about taking in Syrian refugees, than as a public university, it is our duty to follow suit.
After all, all Stony Brook does anymore is lose. We lose to China, we lose to Mexico and we lose to UAlbany. Can we make Stony Brook great again?