Angry Starbucks goers have been taking to social media to complain about the lack of festive holiday cups. KRYSTEN MASSA/THE STATESMAN
Angry Starbucks goers have been taking to social media to complain about the lack of festive holiday cups this holiday season. KRYSTEN MASSA/THE STATESMAN

Crusader’s log: November 12, 2015.

We are now nearly two weeks removed from what I can only refer to as the greatest assault on Christianity—maybe on religion as a whole—of the year. Morale on the battlefront appears to be waning; it turns out caffeine withdrawal will do that. But I think it’s important to remember just why we Christian Crusaders are fighting.

Starbucks, or as I like to call it, StarSUCKS, made the outrageous decision this holiday season to, as vice president Jeffrey Fields put it, remove any seasonal decorations from its cups because the company “wanted to usher in the holidays with a purity of design that welcomes all of our stories.”

Once again, those damn liberals are using buzzwords like “political correctness” and “inclusivity” as weapons against our Christian values. Once again, these ideals become the metaphorical tape over our mouths, silencing our beliefs.


But of course, this is nothing new. We Christians have had our beliefs spat upon for decades because of the whole “separation of church and state” and “basic human rights” nonsense. Women are now allowed to actually make decisions for themselves when it comes to their reproductive health, even though the Bible clearly states that women are meant to be subservient to men and should, therefore, have no agency. The homosexuals can now get married, even though procreation is obviously the most important part of marriage, not that “love” fallacy.

And now, our morning coffee is yet another figurative middle finger in the face of God.

But fret not, fellow Crusaders! We have the opportunity, in this age of technology and mass communication, to spread our ancient (and therefore correct) ideology! While the rest of the world is focused on trivial things like the Syrian refugee crisis and institutionalized racism, we are loudly and proudly fighting the real, good fight here on our own soil. Sure, no one is technically harmed physically in this battle, but what is at stake here is so much bigger than, say, those cold and hungry homeless that have nowhere to call home this holiday season. We’re talking about the latest-and-greatest assault on the very tenets that this obviously Christian and God-fearing nation were founded on.

Though the vehicle for this oppression is ultimately disposable (being a paper cup, after all), the message that is left behind is anything but impermanent: Starbucks hates Christianity.


With that, we need to fight back.

I ask Starbucks one question: We already proudly proclaim “God Bless America.” Why can’t God also bless the Americano?


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