There are masters of painting, experts in sculpting and proteges of the theater. But rejection is another form of art that (currently) cannot earn you a degree or a job, for that matter. Nevertheless, it is, in my opinion, a trade worth perfecting as the world is full of creepers, weirdos, perverts and uglies.

Many amateurs reject people with what can only be described as the world’s biggest cop-out — telling someone you’re already in a relationship. This is a perfectly valid excuse if 1) it’s true and 2) it’s the only reason you are choosing to reject them. If not, it is only an excuse for not coming up with something more creative.

So let’s look at some more fun and exciting ways to reject these unwanted advances.

  1. Have a pre-saved message on your phone dictated the following: “Error #3825968 This number + (I’m not putting my real phone number in the school paper) is no longer available,” and send it to whoever continues to text you. If they don’t like that, tell them to take it up with the phone carrier. You’ll have graduated college long before they are actually able to speak with an AT&T representative.
  2. If you’re the person that likes to give a fake number, instead just give them a string of numbers that are clearly too long to be a real number. If they try and call you out on it, just insist that your parents are hippies and believe that ten-digit phone numbers are too mainstream.
  3. Start crying and accuse them of being hired by your mother to convert you to heterosexuality. Tell them you can’t handle their raw sexuality and ask them nicely to leave in order to end the emotional trauma their presence causes for you.
  4. Respond to everything they say in Pig Latin.
  5. Say you would love to see more of them but you’re going to be deployed soon to join the Smurfs in the battle against Gargamel and couldn’t stand the thought of leaving another loved one behind — especially when the chances of surviving are so slim.
  6. Fake your own death. Have a friend tell them that you got in a horrible accident while you were taking a nap. The damage was too great to have an open casket but their name was the last thing you said before the minions of Hades took your soul.
  7. If an undesirable continues to text you, respond sporadically with strange phrases like “Blue koalas don’t like to have their nostrils tickled” or “Anyone who eats a banana today will die by falling into a vat of honey.” Then, keep apologizing and say that Satan keeps taking your phone. This may require some serious commitment.
  8. Tell them when you were born, a curse was placed on you and every male/female you kiss will die by by having their intestines sucked out by a vacuum cleaner on their next birthday. Start crying about how it was such an unfair way for Chewy to be taken from you.

Please note that Stony Brook University and its affiliates, including but not limited to The Statesman are not responsible for any consequences that result from using these ideas. Take the advice of “The Sexwolf” at your own discretion.

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