The stories of a promiscuous spring break down in Florida or tramp stamps received in Panama or barefoot nights on the beach in Costa Rica only exist in Mary-Kate and Ashley movies and country songs. College students, particularly Stony Brook students, generally save that remaining $28.17 in their bank account for a bottle of Smirnoff to celebrate the end of the semester. Here is what spring break is really like. While it’s not quite as magical as drinking tequila under the Mexican sky in the arms of a tanned, muscular man named Juan whose English is non-existent but whose tongue still functions according to plan, it is still a pretty great way to spend a week off. This is what a turnt-down Stony Brook spring break is like.

SATURDAY

Sleep until 3:00 p.m. to catch up on all the sleep you have been missing.  Binge watch “House of Cards” to catch up with everyone else. Stay up until 3 a.m. to do so.

SUNDAY

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Only sleep until noon because you have only been awake for 12 hours the whole weekend. Meet up with your high school friends that you ignore the entire semester but meet up with faithfully every break. Smoke a joint, eat an entire bacon and pineapple Domino’s pizza, feel so guilty you go to sleep for as long as possible to try and sleep off the pizza.

MONDAY

Put real clothes on for the first time because your mom told you that you will never be a doctor if you live in sweatpants. Take out your textbooks and leave them on your desk in case a wave of ambition overtakes you.

TUESDAY

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Masturbate the entire day. Literally the entire day.

WEDNESDAY

Take your first shower of spring break and finally shave your armpits. This may take two attempts. Finish season 6B of “Sex and the City.” Sit holding a notebook for two hours watching “Sex and the City,” trying to write your next article for your column. That one might be a little personal.

THURSDAY

Tell yourself you seriously need to study for that orgo test next week. Also tell yourself that you should probably also start working out because you can still see the effects of that Domino’s pizza on your thighs. Play Xbox for 10 straight hours. Go to dinner at Grandma’s house because your family is complaining that they never see you just to listen to them ask you where your non-existent boyfriend is.

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FRIDAY

Probably do something in Queens because I feel like that is what everyone in Stony Brook does in their free time.

SATURDAY

Finally do laundry because you have been going commando for the last four days and you forgot what it is like to wear underwear.

SUNDAY

Zip the bag that you never actually unpacked, load it in the car, and prepare to return to the real world.  Savor your last home-cooked meal for another eight weeks while you stomach turns at the thought of returning to overcooked pasta and undercooked rice. Upon returning to school, cram for that orgo test you ignored all of spring break to do absolutely nothing and seamlessly return to Stony Brook life.

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