Heather.Khalifa_sexissue_11.30.15_23
“Overly clingy: You love getting the good morning texts, but maybe not a 24-hour bombardment of kissy-face emojis. And slowly you seem to be losing ownership of everything that was once yours.” THE STATESMAN

Relationships: Everybody seems to want one…until they are actually in one. It is only when you are in the thick of things when you begin to realize that maybe giving up your lonely Saturday night Netflix binges with a bottle of wine and bag of Cheetos was not your smartest decision. But what leads to these dreaded breakups? Here are ten reasons:

1. Annoying habits: These are nothing at first. The way they audibly chew their food or nervously crack their knuckles. It is tolerable at first, maybe even cute, until suddenly it is not. Now, it is the only thing you focus on when you look at them. How can you focus on answering how your day was when that was the 23rd time he has cleared his throat in two minutes?

2. Overly clingy: You have been dating for a week and he has already booked the building for the wedding reception. You love getting the good morning texts, but maybe not a 24-hour bombardment of kissy-face emojis. And slowly you seem to be losing ownership of everything that was once yours. It is not your dorm room, it is our dorm room. It is not your toothbrush, it is our toothbrush.

3. Actively listens to Justin Bieber or Nickelback: They are Satan and they must burn.

4. They live on the other side of campus: If you want me to walk 15 minutes in the cold in the dead of winter across campus to talk to you about how your classes went, it better be true love or I am not leaving my bed.

5. They party too much: Club going up on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Most of your conversations are you yelling to each other in a dark basement and you are pretty sure you have gone on a total of maybe two sober dates.

6. They party too little: It is a Friday night and the vodka is calling, but they want to stay in and do a marathon of Tarantino movies. Again. You feel guilty going out without them, but you feel like you are missing out if you just stay in. It may be the alcoholic in me talking, but sometimes, the Jell-o shots are better than cuddling.

7. Bad hygiene: Maybe buying cologne and perfume for their birthday was not enough of a hint. It is time to get them to do the ALS soapy bucket of warm water challenge. You love them, but you have tried it all: from scattering deodorants over their room to dental floss in the math notebook.

8. They are taking Bio 204: The chances of them having time to go out on a date/anywhere besides the confines of the library are slim to none.

9. Bad physical chemistry: The date went great. The sex…not so much. If you are seriously invested in the relationship, it may be too late. But if things are still fresh, you still have time to book it. My advice? Be optimistic and follow the words of my piano teacher: Practice! Practice! Practice!

10. It is simply time: All good things must come to an end, especially if they were not so great at the start. And sometimes, there is no good reason, just that it is not working out. So follow Fall Out Boy and say thanks for the memories…even if they weren’t so great.

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