(STATESMAN STOCK PHOTO)
Students could benefit greatly from the apps outlined below. (STATESMAN STOCK PHOTO)

1. Wolfie Rental App: Wolfie is Stony Brook’s resident celebrity. He has a busy schedule, running back and forth from event to event without rest, but the student body cannot get enough of him. Some have even proposed an app that would allow students to reserve his services right from the comfort of one’s phone, granting convenient access to Stony Brook’s favorite canine. When asked for comment, Wolfie remarked, “I don’t like it. You know, I’m more than just a commodity to be rented out for your pleasure. But I don’t have a choice. I need to go where the money is.”

2. “So…what are you gonna do when you graduate?” App for Liberal Arts students: An app that comes with hundreds of clever responses to the inevitable question, “So…what are you gonna do when you graduate?” Responses vary. Here are some of the ideas that our talented students have come up with:

“I don’t know, probably work in an office or something. You know, soft skills?”

“You may not be impressed by the fact that I’ve read ‘The Illiad’ in full, but I know employers will be.”

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“In today’s economy, you can’t hope to succeed as a barista without having a solid grasp of deontological ethics. Earlier generations of graduates could find jobs in the industry with only having knowledge of Aristotelian metaphysics, but things are much more competitive now.”

“What is a job, anyway? Does a man work a job, or does a job work a man?”

In response to this initiative, a great number of STEM majors have expressed interest in an app to help them formulate complete sentences.

3. Goose-Whisperer App: Are you annoyed by all those pesky geese leaving their droppings everywhere? Did you know that they also speak a hidden language? The Stony Brook Linguistics Department is just beginning to understand it.

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“We are beginning to find that the geese are much more intelligent than previously thought,” remarked Jeroboam Hofstadter, professor of Linguistics. “They are wont to engage in Socratic dialectic, and not a few of them are capable of composing verse spontaneously in dactylic hexameter. They have a rich oral tradition that may go back thousands of years, long before Stony Brook was even founded. Through their ignorance of the goose-language, our students are being deprived of some truly scintillating discourse.”  In light of these findings, there has been a riotous demand from students for an app to help them translate the cryptic tongue of these noble creatures.

4. Dating App for Med School Rejects:  Having your career hopes dashed by the cold and remote forces of an admissions committee is no fun. Wouldn’t it be great to have someone to wallow in misery with? Computer science majors have already begun to develop a dating app targeted specifically toward medical school rejects. Chief Developer Chandragupta Wallace-Barnes described it as “Kind of like Tinder, but really frivolous and superficial”. The beta test has shown some promising results. Just take a look at what one user, who chose to remain anonymous, said about it: “When I saw his mopey expression of existential despair, I thought to myself, ‘I need to have sex with this person’. And that’s exactly what happened. We’ve been sharing our soul-crushing misery for a month now.”

5. ISIS Terror Alert App: It is no secret that ISIS has had its eyes on Stony Brook for some time now.  “Our plan to restore the Caliphate is simple. First we consolidate control over northern Iraq, then Syria. And finally, the crown jewel: Stony Brook. The rest is a cakewalk,” tweeted ISIS spokesman Thaddeus Velveeta ibn Hammurabi. “The blood-moon is nigh, Obama. Before long the world will bow in prostration before us.” In light of this news, it is now abundantly clear that ISIS’s plan to invade the United States via Texas was simply a ruse to conceal their true objective.

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