(SOPHIE CARR / THE STATESMAN)
(SOPHIE CARR / THE STATESMAN)

I hate everything about Stony Brook University. That’s right, there is not a thing about this school that I like. The professors are mean and do not curve the tests enough to give me an A, the dorms aren’t the perfect temperature for my needy body, and the food is horribly overpriced. And they have all these strict rules like “don’t use federally restricted drugs in public” and “don’t park in the handicapped spot overnight for an entire week” and “don’t start handing out shots during the orgo final” (this one is very strictly enforced). You can be sure I will complain to all of my friends incessantly about it, whether it’s whining on Facebook or reminding them “I hate this school” every time they mention the name Stony Brook in conversation. So when the university offers me the opportunity to anonymously tell my professors exactly what I think they did wrong so that the school can improve, what do I do?

I refuse to do so. That’s right; I refuse to be a part of the university’s system. They can pretend to care with their direct requests for you tell them what they are doing wrong, but I’m smarter than that. When I see a problem, I choose to just mope and whine about it. I am a free spirit; I do not need The Man’s sympathy. I know SBU does not care about how its students are doing; it is not like its business model requires students to want to come here. I am positive that the university’s only goal is to make its students more miserable. These course evaluations are nothing but a dirty trick to make it seem like Wolfie cares about our problems.

Sometimes my professors mention the comments made in their mid-semester evaluations in class. Some would suspect that this means our teachers actually read these evaluations. Do not be deceived! Although this would seem like direct evidence that our evaluations do make a difference, thoughtful people realize that this is just a trick by our professors to make you believe that they care. That way, you will join their little system, write your evaluation and they can just file them away in the WolfieVault, to be ignored forever. I plan to stop this cycle by loading the course evaluation page and burning my laptop with the page open. That will show them for offering us a venue to suggest improvements to the university.

What, you ask, about other students who would benefit from the improvements the professors might make in response to the course evaluations? I say, “who cares?” I am far too independent to care about others. If I suffered through a class that needed improvements, it is only fair to make sure that everyone who ever takes the class has to suffer exactly as I did. Improvement of the community is far less important than my petty frustration. What’s a Seawolf?  I’m not sure, but I am far too much of a free bird to be one.

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So just remember: do not let Wolfie’s net of lies and treachery trick you into filling out your course evaluations. I know I won’t. I am far too much of a free spirit to do that. I am far too much of a free spirit to even write for this paper. To be honest, I am not sure how or why I  became a staff writer.

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