This Friday, Dec. 8, is Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day and it was a blast. Now that I am back from the future, I thought I would give some advice on how to spend the day. Obviously, some sort of time machine is necessary to truly appreciate the day. I recommend using a few different time traveling implements in order to make the most of the day.
Using a time turner, I watched every episode of Doctor Who (David Tennant is my Doctor and I will fight you). Afterwards I watched “Groundhog Day,” “The Terminator” series and all the “Back to the Future” movies.
Once I had completed my bingeing, I reserved table 42 at Milliways, the restaurant at the end of the universe, and stepped into my TARDIS. I flew through a wormhole to watch the Gnab Gib and have dessert. There, I hotwired a DeLorean and drove at 88 miles per hour to Stephen Hawking’s 2009 time traveler party. I told him to keep my visit under wraps because of all the paradoxes it would cause and so far he’s honored my request.
All these parties and socializing left me feeling overextended. I scoured the libraries of history and picked out books like “The Time Machine” by H.G. Wells, the “Outlander” series by Diana Gabaldon, “11/22/63” by Stephen King, the “Magic Treehouse” series by Mary Pope Osborne and “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court” by Mark Twain. I sat in my favorite hot tub and read a year’s worth books.
I dried myself off and got into Bill and Ted’s phone booth to make personal calls to my old relatives. Back in Zuromin, Poland, I spoke with my great-great-grandfather Yisrael Isser about how his descendants
Now that I’m back, here are some of my recommendations for which eras to visit and which to avoid. I would avoid early America. It felt like the Puritans were looking for reasons to arrest people. For all the fun of the American 1920s, Prohibition was in full effect and the Depression came soon after. The smell of the Middle Ages might kill you before the Black Plague.
For all of you who aren’t properly equipped for chronological voyage, there are other ways you can celebrate Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day. Act as though you’ve returned from a 1984-esque future (AKA, Trump’s second term). Look gravely on and tell your friends, “You don’t know how soon everything will change.”
Act as though you are from a utopian future. Hand someone a phone number on a piece of paper with the note, “Call in 2023.” Ask, “Do the people now still think apples can ward off doctors?” Approach someone you don’t know and ask for the date. When they respond, jump and yell, “It worked!”
You know how those costumes of 70s outfits are stereotypical to the point of ridiculousness? Dress that way in reference to 2017 style trends. Wear three corsets, Yeezy sockboots, a Gucci belt and carry a YSL bag.
Act as though you are from the past and talk to every computer you pass. When someone shows you a video on their phone, throw it away while screaming, “Devil’s magic!” Spend the whole day operating automatic doors.
Of course, I don’t really need to tell you how to act this Friday because I saw you already and you were crazy. Maybe you shouldn’t eat that many cookies on a Friday afternoon. Don’t forget to go back and correct all the mistakes you made. Enjoy.